 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
recently i've gotten really interested in cooking. Kitho and i bought an absurdly discounted (but still absurdly priced) set of Hinckel pans and knives for our new place. it wasn't really an impulse buy because we'd decided that stuff like that would be boxed up and sent home when we go back to America. anyway, when the fall semester starts in september, i am switching to normal hours (9-6), so i'll hopefully have a little more time to practice and learn. I've been watching a lot of videos on epicurious.com and looking up recipes. what kind of sucks is that i don't have access to a lot of herbs, seasonings, etc., but i think that what i do have, i can use to make do. my ultimate goal is to make a full menu from beginning to end. maybe i'll try and make it coincide with american thanksgiving in november. i've always liked american thanksgiving the best of all the american holidays, and it's pretty much the only one i take the lead on over here. I've planned and organized the party for american thanksgiving in our little expat circle for the past 3 years. it's always fun getting kroeans to try things like cranberry sauce, although they usually think that turkey is just a weird tasting chicken, lol. i think i'd like to be able to cook something french, just because that food suits me, i think. it's probably super difficult, but being able to whip up a french meal seems like it would be a pretty good measure of my culinary success. i'll let u know how it goes. till then, here's a video about making dough: ( d'oh! )Tags: cooking, koreatown
Current Location: work
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
whenever we get new teachers at my school, there's always the coming out conversation that i dread the most. i just usually put it off until we're out having cocktails or something and Kitho and i show up together. then it's always, "thisismyboyfriendKitho," really quickly before beating it to the bar for the first round. i'm not ashamed of my sexuality or my relationship, it's just the whole awkwardness of having to explain it. the whole "oh...OH" moment of realization where it dawns on them exactly what i've just dropped. i hate putting them through that, and i hate going through that myself, but i'm convinced that after almost 9 years, it ain't getting any better. anybody else have awk/uncomf moments like these in their lives? am i an internal homophobe? am i asking questions to myself? lol in other news, the weather in korea has hit its yearly "hot and humid" point. it's the rainy season here, so it pours buckets for a whole day, then the moisture sucks right back up into the air and is unbearably humid. Thankfully this only lasts for July. August is just hot and humid with no rain (eye roll). i'm thinking about learning how to make food from scratch. It's kind of hard to procure certain things over here, so for instance, if i want banana pudding or ranch dressing, i'm going to have to learn how to make them myself. anybody like cooking and got some tips? i'm super intimidated by the whole flour process, so any help would be truly appreciated. also, harry potter HBP imax-3D on wednesday!! Tags: gay, harry potter, koreatown, work
Current Location: work
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
i wonder sometimes what life would've been like if i'd taken all these different paths. i wonder what would've happened if i'd just come out my freshman year like everybody else does, joined a GSA, flamed out, fucked a drama major, got my heart broken, registered as a democrat, fought for social justice for university housekeepers, actually tried in school, graduated, and made something of myself. i look at what i've got now, and with the exception of kitho, it ain't much. my life is clicking quickly by and is nigh upon 30. i have no JD. i have no career path. i have no sex life (hubby and dog are both snoring beside me). it seems the only thing i'm good at racking up on are bills. and they're not even my bills. kitho and i have been fighting about money a lot lately, and it really sucks. you know, i always come to this journal to bitch about what's wrong. i think i'm going to try to write about something totally happy and and if i get desperate enough to make it up, i just might have to (ha). people always say life is what you make out of it, but that's not true for most people. why else would there be a lottery? humans are pretty adaptable creatures, and it's a good thing--life always seems to be trying to find ways to repress the powerless, keep the good ones down, etc., etc. how do we find a way to fight back against this? i think i'm going to leave the revolutions to Che and Madonna/Evita, and just propose something that has come to me with age. I have realized i'm not going to be rich, i'm not going to be powerful, i will neither move nor shake anything--and somehow, i'm ok with that. that isn't to say that i've given up on life or even my dreams. but then, what are dreams? are they our waking fantasies of receiving that acceptance letter, of finally getting the girl/guy, of walking up to your ex at the right moment when you're at your hottest and saying the perfect thing? in the end, are they all just alternate universes where you call the shots for once, you yank people around, not they you, you become the architect of your own impossible reality? something alexandra once told me when we were picking out head shots for her a long time ago (back in 01 when we both lived in DC) seems appropriate in this instance. head shots for actors--and dreams for the purpose of this analogy--aren't supposed to be so outrageously attractive and impressive that you're lost in the process, they're supposed to be you on your very best day. perhaps that's the essence of dreams--not impossible realities to escape from our own misery--but what we can do when we're at our best. when i came back to korea this time around, i saw myself pretty differently than i do 8 months later. then, i was then a crutch for a clinically depressed, codependent friend/coworker, lover to a loveless partner, and a disillusioned idealist awash in the flotsam of failed false-starts and aborted half-efforts. how has life changed for me? i've come to realize my own limitations, i guess, and it's been profoundly liberating in a way. so i'm not going to be a power broker in DC. oh well. if there's a heaven, maybe i'll be allowed in owing to that regard. i'm not going to be a big time name on the partner list of a renowned law firm. again, heaven, still in the running. what gives me joy, then, in the face of all these carcasses of ambition? it's the little things, like learning how to shoot in manual mode on my very first dSLR camera and really making art for the first time. it's finally getting that ESL lesson on how to bring down, like moses from the mountaintop, abstract things we take for granted, like when to use definite and indefinite articles, to 2nd grade korean students (seriously, you try it, then repeatedly bang your head against the wall, and suddenly feel the waves of satisfaction when the light bulbs start going off...it's a rush that i never felt doing key bumps in dimly lit bathroom stalls). happiness can be in knowing that the world will *finally* be free of the tyranny of Bush&co., even if Obama isn't what i would consider "my guy". i'll never have to see his goddamned smirking face, hear his malapropisms, or suffer his hopelessly self-deluded worldview ever again. in this case, light is the absence of the darkness. i derive no small amount of pleasure from being a dad to Macs (we respelled his name b/c we really *are* that apple-obsessed/nerdy). he's such an asshole, and so fiercely independent, that it's made me accept his love (and he mine) on much more equitable terms. i am not his god, nor he my adam, and we're both the better for it. my heart ached for the first time when we were in thailand recently, and it wasn't in a way that i'd felt before. it was not the lover's ache, it was the gnawing disquiet of dereliction of supreme responsibility. of course, he was with a couple who are, quite frankly, better suited to raise him than either of us (and he came back home much calmer and obedient afterwards), but regardless, there's nothing quite like waking up and feeling his little squished up body in the lumbar curve in my back. it's terribly lonesome when it's not there. i thought a lot about whether i wanted to get in touch with Elizabeth after she recently joined facebook. i finally sent her an email and indicated my desire to reestablish contact after, oh, 6ish years. she replied that she would accept conditional friendship contingent upon my apology for past burnt bridges with Will. of course, my initial outrage over this subsided to a yielding acquiescence (why not, it's not like i care anymore, right?), which discussing with Kitho made me suddenly pause. why *did* i still care enough about the situation to get indignant and defensive? i've been mulling over my thoughts for quite awhile now, and i have concluded that of course pride is the root of all this. Not pride in saying i'm sorry; i really am zen-influenced enough having lived in asia for 2 years to let that go. what i need them to desperately understand was that my lashing out stemmed from a place of humiliation. i was emasculated and defeated in a way one man can only do to another man (well, i guess another way would be public anal penetration, but let's face it, in certain circumstances, that would probably be a plus for me); together, planned or unplanned, pre- or post- breakup, they had publicly castrated me in front of a hyper-masculine audience. Scorched earth seemed appropriate at the time, but i'm still gay, and they're still together, so i guess salted fields sometimes still grow. i've decided to send that letter sometime soon (i guess after i write it...), and i will apologize (frankly speaking, it's been so long that i've forgotten the particulars of "the email", all i am quite sure of is that it was vituperative and, at the time, a conditional response). my apology will be conditional, though, not in its terms--i couldn't care less if he forgives me or not because i don't really desire any relationship with him under any terms--but in my insistence that they see *why* he got both barrels. it makes me happy to remember French vocabulary. Living abroad in a non-english speaking country prompts some part of your brain to seek another connection--any connection--to communicate, and for that reason, i find myself thinking a lot in french when the english fails. koreans are bad at english; there's no way they'd understand me if i started speaking in imperfect, broken french, but there is something deeply satisfying about blurting "ahhhh, Montre!" after you've been struggling to think of the word for wristwatch for a good 20 minutes to pass the time on a subway train. i've all but written off ever learning conversant korean, but i think i could really flourish in a Romantic environment. grammar rules make infinitely more sense now that i've actually learned them for english (does anybody else remember any sort of grammar classes in school? when i think of "english class", i think of literature classes, reading Tess of the D'Urbervilles, Siddhartha, and selections from The Canterbury Tales). As a result, grammar has become my absolute favorite class to teach. i think the rules and structure are fascinating, and while not-so-evident from my journaling, have improved my writing immeasurably. well, it's 2am, and i'm down to my last 18 minutes of battery life, so i guess i'll quit at this point. this felt really good, and honestly, for once, the vanity that has for so long precluded my writing (alas, my "audience" atrophied and deserted years ago) is stripped bare and rendered irrelevant. and i didn't even have to make anything up! one more thing i thought of that makes me happy: thinking of my dear friends literally now all over the world who are no longer in korea and crying because i truly have a longing in my heart for people worth missing. Tags: kitho, korea, law school, life, love
Current Location: koreatown
Current Mood: reflective
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
i am having a real moment of truth/gut check. here's my situation: applied to one law school. that's it, just one. it's the only one i really want to go to; it's in durham where i want to live (no, it's not duke, HAHA), i have a perfect house to rent (my brother's) at a dream bargain rate, and i have a potential husband to share it all with. here's where the dilemma comes in: if i am accepted, do i take it, or defer until next year? this may seem like an absolute no-brainer...duh, of COURSE you go to law school, in 3 years you'll be making "lawyer money!!1!"...however, here is my thinking on it. right now i am saving an average of 1000-1500USD per month. at the end of july, including my accrued pension (the korean govt forces your employer to withhold a pension for you which you can withdraw once u leave the job/country, pretty nice, i think), i will have somewhere btwn 8500-10,000USD in the bank. not too shabby to start the year off. however, the longer i stay, of course, the more i make. if i complete my contract in december, i will get an extra 2,000USD for severance pay (also, i believe, a korean mandate), bringing my total saved for the year to between 18,000-19,000USD. if i stay until february (the end of the school year for both kitho and me), it will be somewhere between 21,000-22,000USD, just for ME. granted, Kitho has more debt, and FAR less discipline (which is scary) when it comes to money, but if he's able to sock away anywhere from 10,000-15,000USD, we will come back to the states with between 30,000-40,000USD. Forget renting, that's probably enough for a down-payment on a real house of our own. what's really nice about all this is that it is completely from foreign companies exempt from US taxes (the US and ROK have an agreement that americans living and working here pay korean taxes instead which are far lower), meaning i can still apply for federal student aid. I am planning on going to a state school, so hopefully i wouldn't be coming out of school with staggering debt. so, i guess, here is my big question: do i put off school for yet another year, much to my mother's consternation? or do i come home, sock away my 10k as living money, and get that 1L out of the way asap? also, another limiting factor is what kitho will do when we get back. His job prospects are pretty slim (his previous jobs were almost exclusively retail (nordstrom)), and both his degree and life's passion are in film production. he really wants to work at an apple store (if for nothing else to build his home film production studio/office with macs with the company discount), but given the TREMENDOUSLY shitty nature of the current US economy, would that be something worth waiting out over here where our salaries are much higher than he could make back home? that's another thing that practically screams "stay in korea". so, to recap: PRO stay in korea: 1) money saved 2)depressed us economy return to US: 1) Kitho and i start our real life together as honest to god life-partners 2) dream rental house at nice price 3) start law school 4) kitho gets his business/screenplay picked up and makes a movie 5) Peabo* the Whippet is born and comes to live with his two daddies CON stay in korea: 1) sometimes i REALLY hate this country, lol 2) mother's incessant bitching about "you'll never go to law school..." 3) apathy takes root and i never go to law school return to US: 1) take a 10-12k financial loss 2) kitho decides to stay in korea, we break up 3) kitho decides to accompany, can't find a job there are probably a lot more here that will occur to me, but these are my main pros/cons. i think this is one of those things "they" were talking about when "they" said that it sucks to grow up. i hate having to make a decision like this, so fraught with paralyzing fear of making the "wrong" decision. i am leaning on just staying in korea until february, for the reason that law school will always be there, and if kitho and i are truly going to go the long haul, which i believe we are, then what is 8 more months delaying law school if it puts us 20k more ahead of the game? this is long and rambly, and for that i apologize, but if anybody could PLEASE weigh in with thoughts/suggestions, i would truly appreciate it. *this dog's name is very important to Kitho; he picked it out like almost a year ago when we first started daydreaming and researching dogs to get as pets. If u steal this dog's name, i will cut you. seriously. lol. Tags: future, kitho, korea, law school
Current Location: Koreatown
Current Mood:  contemplative
Current Music: Grateful Dead "Estimated Prophet"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
journal, so many things since last we spoke. after our come to jesus meeting over recent unpleasantries, my months-long bout of insecurity and relationship bi-polar dysfunction, i am happier and more upbeat about my future than ever before. i think it's one of those heading to the next step kind of things. all i know is that i am happier with him now, and he with me, than either of us has been in a long time--perhaps ever with each other. after spending nearly 3 whole days in bed talking over everything--being completely honest and answering any question either had for each other--i think we're finally in a place where old demons are finally put to rest. it's a very nice feeling. just as my peace-making with my family earlier this year led me to feelings unbeknownst, so too has this led to feelings of incredible attraction and commitment. i want to write more about this in the coming while, but i also don't want to jinx the incredibly good juju that we've got on us right now. hehe. may i just conclude that i have recently discovered that happiness is a delirious combination of make-up sex, laughter and joy in each others' company, and last but perhaps not least, finding your colombian god of sex ex-bf's myspace page, looking at his recent pics, and seeing that his hard drinking, smoking, and sexing life has finally caught up to his bloated body and bag-saddled eyes. HAHA! revenge is apparently a dish best served with extra helpings of fried food, FATTY!!! =) xoxo, journal. Tags: kitho, o
Current Location: Koreatown
Current Music: 4 non-blondes - "What's Up?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
i don't know why i even bother talking sometimes. I have this really bad habit of asking questions i reeeeally dont' want the answers to. perhaps it may be some sort of self-defeating masochistic streak. tonight, i got the whole "i'm not ready to settle down, and i feel like you're already at that level." all this was precipitated by an admission from my mother today, while kitho and i were skyping. she told him hello, that she was happy that we were going to be together soon, b/c i was going crazy over here w/o him, and that she loved him. i was 99% shocked and thrilled that my mom could some so far. i was also 1% nervous, b/c i didn't know how he would take that. sure enough, that was the moment that things crystalized in his mind that he had in-laws and he wasn't ready. it was run, lola, run time. i can't say that i blame him, i have been somewhat more inclined to mention things of futures shared lately. It's like i told him tonight, i have literally nothing in my life in front of me right now except a whole bunch of family stress. i live in a tiny town with no diversions, and a bf who is 10,000 miles away. the only thing i have to daydream about is my life with him, and somewhere along the way, i am afraid that it became a fixation instead. it seems as though the one bright spot in my life has turned into something that i am corrupting and snuffing unintentionally. he talks a lot about his binary personality (my words), about once he's switched off, he can't switch back on. at the very beginning of the year in korea, i was still ripped open and bleeding from the orlando situation and not ready to be in a relationship. He pressured me and put the full court press on. It seems that when he had decided i wasn't to be his, an unknowably sized part of him decided that it was an unchangeable decision and "switched off". inevitably, once that happened, i decided that i really DID want to be with him. however, said part of his heart never reactivated, and i don't know how to make this part of him flip back on. i do know that in telling me this, tho, it made me realize that he's never completely been mine, not like i was his. my friend lacey thinks that this will all blow over once i get back to korea, and that he will realize that his life is much better with me in it. i sure hope so. it just sucks b/c i feel like he's somebody i can build a life with, somebody who i can invest in, and who can invest in me, and that he's running from that shared life saddens me more than anything i can think of. why is love so difficult? it's never been work with kitho before. the only thing that is keeping us together now is that we realize that we are operating out of normal time and space. what happens if the time and space change, but the feelings don't? or what if they re-emerge in 7 months when it's time for me to come home? unknowables like these have truly kept me up at nights. i've never had a problem going to sleep or getting a full nights' rest once i lay down, but almost every night since i was in raleigh, i've been getting about 3-5 hours a night of fitful, restless sleep. this cannot stand. i just hope the resolution is good for me, b/c i feel like i'm too nice of a person to constantly keep getting shat on in relationships. Tags: kitho
Current Location: Comeonover
Current Mood:  crappy
Current Music: Death Cab For Cutie - Brothers on a Hotel Bed
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
( 8/16 vs. 2/11 )i have to say, this is the first time that astrology actually helped me. Kitho and i were finally able to articulate our problems and sources of contention using cut/paste from astrological compatibility charts on our signs. It is *uncanny* how dead on the descriptions of us were as individuals, and also how we interact as a couple. Normally i write off astrology as being overly broad generalizations that people micro-interpret in their own situations. In this case, however, the very source of our frustrations was laid bare in excruciating detail. the very good part about this, though, is that i feel like i have a road map to his mind. I understand, now, why he does the things that before were bewildering to me. I understand the shifts in mood, the constant reversals, and yes, the aloof emotional character he displays. In fact, i feel so strongly about this, i would go so far as to say that i feel like i'm getting to really know him all over again, or even for the first time. for me, this is kind of like having an evil magician, whose illusions only make you mad, explain how he does his diabolical tricks, lol. Yes, the tricks will still frustrate you from time to time, but now that you know how and why he's doing the tricks, it is easier to cope, adjust, and go with the flow. we, finally, have arrived at a place where we accept that it is necessary for us both to bend, to compromise, to occasionally submit. I feel like we just progressed to a whole other level as a couple, and we're now actually in a very mature, grown up relationship. also, we're gonna increase the number of blowjobs given/received, so that will probably help out matters a lot, too! =) Tags: kitho
Current Location: Comeonover
Current Music: ST: Voy
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
i think i know what bothers me most about this situation. whenever i was with orlando, i was always very unsettled and insecure about "where we were". not only that, i couldn't ever really talk to him about it b/c it always made him very frustrated to have to put a point on feelings he didn't have the emotional ability to process. so what it boiled down to was a matter of trust; i had to just trust that by handing him 100% of my heart, he wouldn't hurt me while sorting out his feelings. I think we all know how that ended. In my relationship with Kitho, trust has really defined us and sustained us. I don't mean just trusting each other to be faithful, which is a thankful relief not to worry about, but on the whole, trusting each other with each others' hearts. With this latest round of emotional hand-wringing and soul-searching, the casualty has been my trust. I am now back into that scared, shivering, cold place of emotional skittishness. My whole well-being is now cast into some sort of emotional limbo. I am really left to the fates in that regard. what makes me so nervous is that while kitho is telling me "i love you", he may really be saying "i love you, b/c you'll lose your shit if i don't say it. even though i do love you, i am kind of ambivalent at the moment about how much i still want to be in a relationship with you. while i may very well not get over this feeling of nothingness, right now, i know that i have to keep you in case i do. so, keeping all of that in mind, i love you." keeping me hanging like this is pretty brutal, and is exacting a heavy emotional toll. the thing is, i kind of understand it, and i even kind of expected it. I think that most successful relationships have their moments of doubt, their times of trial. It's not something that i am worried about long-term, because i have faith that Kitho and I will make it. I can really look into the future and see him sticking by me and having a life and family together. That is, if we can make it past this time of turbulence, we will have that life together. In the meantime, i guess i'll have to just trust him... Tags: kitho
Current Location: Comeonover
Current Mood: uncertain
Current Music: pbs
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
i decided that last entry was kinda bullshit since b/c he could see it, i had to self-censor. i've never been a "friends only" type person, so since this is still my LJ, here we go: what happened tonight was that kitho told me he wasn't moving in with me when he gets home from korea next fall. He's moving to LA. as some of you know, others do not, i'm going to an east coast law school that is TBD next fall. he's not breaking up with me, b/c his move has nothing to do with me. He wants to give filmmaking--his lifelong passion--a shot, and to do that, he's got to be in LA. i don't begrudge him this; i think it's wonderful that he's being creative and artistic. One of the things i love about him most dearly is that he's a creator, an artist. i *want* him to do these things. What upsets me the most is that i don't think he has it in him to sustain a relationship with me while he's out there. He has shown an uncanny ability to shake my confidence in the past (especially as his return to korea loomed) about sustaining a long distance relationship even for this short time (he's only been there 2 months!). Maybe i am too easily spooked, given my past experiences, but my confidence isn't entirely bolstered when this level of resignation crops up after only 2 months. Something else that is bothering me is that he seems increasingly detached. In response to this, i have (i think rather embarrassingly at times) turned up the lovey-dovey sentiments. There are several reasons for my response, not least of which is my being marooned in this dumpy little town with two extraordinarily money-stressed parents and a semi-convalesced grandmother. I've collected this sad little gang on my shoulders and in my wallet, as well as studied for a gigantic exam and helped my brother get married. my relationship with Kitho is the only bright spot in my life right now, and the prospect of losing that causes me more than just a little grief. I find myself back in a situation where, i feel, from my vantage point (i'm definitely an unreliable narrator), i am trying my best to put something together, and my partner in all of this is not as fully invested. whereas orlando was only 50-60% at best, and Kitho is significantly more invested, increasingly, i get the sense that it's still not where i am. Feeling this, i push harder and harder, and he pulls back more, it seems. Another part of my emotional turbulence is that he just dumped it on me via IM, having already made up his mind, and then after wading halfway into this discussion, had to go. i understand that we talked for an hour, but we were just getting into it, really, when he had to go. This would be fine, i guess, except that he's been sitting on this since at least saturday, but most likely even thursday or earlier. His matter of fact demeanor (very un-kitho when he is discussing something emotional or significant) suggests he had decided what was what and was just letting me in on his decision. This, more than ANYTHING, upsets me on a level of having my control taken away. Don't decide things for me when my heart is concerned. This is why i give you my trust to begin with. If you have these worries, these thoughts, these concerns, come to me with them in the moment. Don't go through all of this, make up your mind, tell me, then peace the fuck out. that's just not fair. After the absolute nightmare of the orlando situation, it took me a long time to open up to somebody. I made kitho earn it, and i don't think his commitment to me is to be taken lightly. I don't mean to sound as though he is flippant at all in his considerations, bc he isn't. He loves me, i know. What worries me is, does he have it in him to go the distance. that, most of all, is what will keep me up tonight. LJ friends, any advice? Perhaps i finally have something to ask the fahjohs at ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) whateverfaggot. Tags: kitho
Current Location: Comeonover
Current Mood: demoralized
Current Music: Jose Gonzales "Love Will Tear Us Apart"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
it's pretty nice how cleaning up your room, putting a freshly washed and dried (oh, hot and fresh linens! how i missed thee!) set of sheets on your bed, and putting everything away can make your whole room--and by extension your mood--liven up! i have been doing something i don't think i've ever done, and for which my mother toiled in vain lo these many years; i have started making my bed every day. the nascence of this clean place revolution started when i was in korea somewhat. It finally took living with a boyfriend who is messier than i am (love you, honey!) to make a neat freak out of me *i say this in jest, of course, as i'll never be confused for a neat freak*. as the LSAT looms nearer, and i grow more anxious, i really wish i were a writer, haha. i have this real desire, and have harbored this for quite a long time, as long-time readers of this journal can surely attest, but always the same frustration blocks my futile attempts. I need an idea, y'all. i try to "write what i know", but to be honest, sadly, what i know/what i've done just ain't that interesting, i think. I mean, i want to write something that covers on an idealistic young man who tries to take on DC, fails, becomes disillusioned, then... (as ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) jameth would say "profit!"). speaking of the oracle, i have sadly removed him from my friends list. I just have too many of his posts about things i don't really find interesting, and well, end of an era, i guess. the long summer drought finally broke today in NC. too bad it's during the middle of the Senior PGA tournament at my parents' club, tho! haha. oh well, we need the rain really badly, and who knows, it might make the rest of the tournament play better. I want to take my camera out there and try to take some pictures. i might do it tomorrow. speaking of pictures, has anybody used iphoto to make any kind of photo projects? like, the professionally printed ones that you send away to apple for? i really want to make some wall art for my pitifully undecorated room (seriously, all bare white walls), and i want to use a lot of my pictures to make a giant wall sized collage. just wondering if this is possible, and how it would turn out. also, about law school, i have been getting more and more concerned about the prospects for making "lawyer money" when i get out. Pretty much the people who go to the schools i'll be going to (i.e. ugh, NOT ivy league...) wind up saddled with 100-200k in debt, and the avg starting salary is around 50k a year. WTF? i guess that's pretty decent for a starting salary, but dear lord, i'll be paying that debt off until i'm 40 (or beyond). unfortunately, i gave up on the hope of marrying rich (love you, honey! haha), so i guess i'll either have to rob a bank or just settle for a middle class, design by pottery barn, existence. i got drunk with my father the other night (klassy, i know); that is, i got drunk, he sat there and talked to me. we were out on the back deck last friday, after going to my old high school's football game (we lost), and i brought home a 12 pack of cold miller lite. dad had 2, and i had 10, haha. it was really cool, though, because the conversation turned to drew, and how awesome of a brother he is. We contrasted our fraternal relationship with my mother and her sister. it was pretty much a polar opposite (as opposed to a logical opposite, which i now know what that means! haha), and i am so happy for that. I love my brother so much, and although i'm gaining a sister in 3 weeks, part of me is gonna be really sad that it's not going to be just we 4 anymore. also, i'm kind of over the "leave britney alone!" madness. (except for the "Leave General Petreaus Alone!" spoof--that one rocks) that kid needs either help or a life, perhaps both. The obsessive media coverage of it could be much better spent on the lying president and the cooked petreaus report. Also, kudos to john edwards for paying for airtime on MSNBC 30 minutes after people stopped watching instead of just getting free airtime like every other candidate doing responses. (only 90% sarcasm--it could turn out to be the seminal moment in changing campaigns like keith olbermann said...guess only time will tell). also, of all the guys on the (R) side, Mike Huckabee has really impressed me. there's really no way i'd vote for him, as he's WAY too conservative for me, (sorry!), but i like how he's stolen the keys to the straight talk express this time around. good on ya, huck. that's it for now, i guess. i've run out of things to say, and talking about anything more banal than the preceding would just be sad. =) Tags: cleaning, creative writing, law school, politics
Current Mood:  happy
Current Music: Werewolves of London - Warren Zevon
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
it's really interesting being back in north carolina. i have really done my best to observe the differences between where i'm living now and where i was living this time a year ago. It's also very close to LSAT taking time (9/29), and i'm panicky and short of breath. i thought i'd write instead, haha. forthwith, i present to you some observations. to note: *things here are very quiet. one can go outside on one's porch at night and not hear one unnatural sound. it's all crickets and wind. there are no car horns, no chattering people on cell phones, no unplayed crane games blaring away in the night. it is both equal turns lonely and soothing. *in korea, everything is very dense. pack it all in as tight as you can and then stack it as high as you can. that's people, food, cars, schools, kimchi, etc. here, i just wander from room to room; everything is novel like i'm just taking in a simulated "average home" in an american themed museum. *the word community can mean several different things: a geographical designation, a demarkation of peoples, a family. community here is a mile wide and an inch thick; in korea, it spans the country, stops at the shore, and goes to the soul of every person who arose from its arid soil. i have no problems imagining an old ajumma changing a child's diapers who wasn't any relation to her, just because the harried mother has her hands full with her other kids. Here, people wince at the sound of a sneeze on the other end of the bus; people just look away when it's uncomfortable, but they will gladly offer you a glass of sweet tea when it's hot outside. *in korea, people obsess over the immediate. There seems to be very little long range planning at all. you don't see commercials for savings accounts, retirement accounts, etc., but you will see the movie to go see this week, the clothes that the latest teeny-bopper boyband (so popular in korea...one boy band has 12 members!) are wearing, and what new cell phone is released (which is, inevitably, at least 12-16 months ahead of american cell phone technology). At home, it seems to me, at least, everyone is obsessed with investing, retiring, so that THEN you'll be able to buy all the things you missed out on earlier. one thing that is the same, though, is the conspicuous practicing of overt christianity. in korea, much like america, christians feel compelled to let you KNOW that they're christian (and here's why you should be, too...). it's common to be asked by students, fellow teachers, and parents where you go to church. (oh, you haven't been yet? my church has english services! will you come this sunday?) like many other consumptions in korea, there's no point in having or doing them if no one can see you en flagrante, as it were. While that is very much the case, it seems, in America, i doubt very seriously that korean women carry around plastic reproductions of 12 weeks developed fetuses in their purse (in case they have the opportunity to show an aborting mother on her way to the clinic to stop her from murder!); that kind of shit only my mom can pull off... Tags: conover, korea
Current Mood:  loved
Current Music: Having a Party - Sam Cooke
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
i love my father. in fact, he's one of my favorite people on the whole planet. I guess it's a good thing that i like him, because i think i'm turning a little more like him every day. The physical resemblance is, of course, obvious, but there are also some quirks of his that i think i'm picking up. first, there's the good stuff: i'm very generous with others, very giving of my time and money, very playful and happy around kids. Next, the less than helpful things: i'm quite apathetic towards chores, i have a hard time summoning the necessary motivation when i don't want to do stuff, and most damning, i make corn-ball jokes. we were at some store the other day, and i don't even remember what it was, but i said the corniest joke ever, off the cuff. it was so bad, i stopped myself, and was like, that was a dumb joke. the worst part is that my dad was the only one who laughed at it. yep. =) all said, though, my pops, with all his faults, is a hell of a man, and a good and decent man, and i would be proud to be like him. dunno what inspired me to write that, but it feels good to read. Tags: dad
Current Location: comeonover
Current Mood: loved
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The u.s. media is all abuzz over this Larry Craig thing. There are a few things that struck me as i watched the coverage of this: 1. Nobody is saying "you're gay, so you can't be senator anymore!" that's what the echo chamber inside your head sounds like, senator. what everyone is saying is "you tried to have anonymous sex in a public bathroom, so we don't want you to be senator anymore!" it's your own internalized homophobia that has turned this into a gay thing. 2. Tea rooming (sex in the loo) is so 20th century. As people continually keep getting caught for this, i have to wonder, have these people NEVER heard of the internet? i mean, jeez. People are going to recognize you or they aren't, regardless of where you meet them for sex, why not do it somewhere you won't get caught by the authorities. Despite people like Craig's best efforts, gay sex isn't a crime in America anymore, as long as u do it in private! Even if you want to hook up some layover sex, (and trust me, i have friends that have done just this thing!) try Craigslist. OH THE IRONY! 3. Powerful people are always going to catch more attention when they fuck up. I understand why people like my baby daddy Owen Wilson feel the crushing pressure to always be perfect. People have a higher expectation of celebrities and politicians, and when they fall, people judge them more harshly. What counts is always remaining honest with yourself. A long time ago, i made peace with the fact that i would never be a high ranking publicly elected office-holder because i decided to come out, break up with my girlfriend, and identify publicly as gay. Whenever i think back on that crucial set of decisions, because they happened almost like dominos, i feel a sense of immense relief. Living a half life, which is what this is, is no way to go through life. Yes, i would be a millionaire lawyer right now, probably have a kid or two, vacation house, and a beautiful wife (no joke, as anyone who knows my ex-gf can attest), but i GLADLY gave the guarantee of that up for a chance at TRUE happiness. Luckily, i found it in a boy (who i miss very dearly at the moment!) if we're rich in the future, great. if we're not, that's ok, too. What matters is that i am in a committed, loving relationship with somebody who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. There is no half truth, no compartmentalizing, and no sneaking around public bathrooms for a few minutes of true sexual gratification. with cases like this, and ted haggard, and bob allen (the florida pol busted on the same sort of charges), they view their orientation as an obstacle to "the good life" (wife, kids, money, power). By choosing to subvert their own natures, in the short run, they gain these. However, in the end, when the truth comes out (and it ALWAYS comes out...), they lose everything. isn't the lesson we should learn here "just come out at the beginning and build a true happy life based on who you really are, who you really love, and what you really believe and care about"? i made a youtube video about it just such a thing today. i really enjoy the youtubing, but i don't feel like i can be as flexible with my communication like i can with my LJ. writing really is my preferred method of communication! Tags: coming out, gay, homosexuality, sex
Current Location: comeonover
Current Mood:  accomplished
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
first of all, thank you to everybody who wished me a happy birthday! my annual féte was marked with subdued celebration this year as neither my brother nor my boyfriend were in attendance for my familial celebration. It was a casual affair with my mom and dad, and we celebrated at the Outback Steakhouse. I was actually in the mood for Italian food, but the best offerings we have in my little town are from the Olive Garden, so Outback it was! What i consider my *real* birthday was celebrated in Charlotte with Kitho's family. One of his brothers-in-law and I share the same birthday, so one of his sisters made homemade chicken kalbi (korean style spicy bbq chicken). it was so freaking good...i really was surprised at how i just woofed it down. I had been dreaming for like 9 months of getting my american food fix, but once i was back, all i was craving was Korean food! ( a few pics of the gathering )After that, it was that time again to head down to Little Washington, NC, for the gathering of the gays. This year's outing was dubbed "Gays On a Boat: Manning the Mast". It was so good to see everybody; it had been a whole year since i had seen brandon, austin, and shelton. it had been almost 2 years since i'd seen shelton's mom! haha. we had a great time being out on the river all day saturday, and hired a limo to take us to the gay dive bar in greenville that night. all in all, fantastic time, kitho had a great time and got along GREAT with all my friends (always a plus), and i totally felt like i was home. River Pics: part 1River pics: part 2Lastly, a very sad thing happened. Kitho left yesterday to go back to Korea. He is teaching for another year while i study for the LSAT and apply to schools. Anyway, i have decided that a fun way for him to keep up with my life (and let's face it, there's just so much going on right now!) is to make short little video clips of me talking and put them on youtube. kinda like reviving the podcast, but not nearly as long or as difficult to make. i'm hoping that just being able to talk into the isight camera for 2 minutes and then uploading it will be easy enough that i can keep up with it and make it a daily routine. who knows. the first 2 are under the cut. ( Read more... )that's about it for now. i guess i am gonna actually go study for the lsat now, having wasted all the time i can for today. Tags: friends, gays, kitho, korea
Current Location: comeonover
Current Mood: loved
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
well, i finished the last harry potter book i'll ever read for the first time ever again. (catch all that?) i have to say, i'm pretty impressed with the continuity and the closure. Some of the theories i had were right, some were WAAAY wrong, lol. on the whole, it ended, to my mind, the best way it possibly could've. i recommend to everybody who hasn't read it, or who hates on HP in general, to give it a shot, now that you don't have to suffer through years of waiting for it to end. The torturous waiting over the razor blade of suspense is now over, and i for one, will miss it sorely. Tags: harry potter
Current Location: koreatown
Current Mood: satisfied
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
So, my year here in Korea is almost at a close, and i am just writing a pointless little mini-post that doesn't really have anything to do with korea, lol. i recently became the proud owner of a blue PSP. I paid 20 bucks over here and got it modded so i can just d/l games and play them for free. pretty sweet deal, i think. ( click here to see it )i'm going in about 9 hours to get the 7th and final book of Harry Potter. i swear to god, if jameth ruins it for me this time like he did the "snape kills dumbledore, page 606" thing last time, i'm going to remove him permanently. we'll see :) I'm going to Thailand for a week in a week from now. I'm pretty excited, but i'm sure i'm going to get a massive sunburn. I've pretty much put all my pics on facebook, so if anybody wants to see a year in korea and what it looks like, add me or whatev. ok, i guess that's it for now. lame. Tags: korea
Current Location: Koreatown
Current Mood:  amused
Current Music: "Help/Slip/Franklin's" grateful dead
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
apologies all around for my lack of updating, but rest assured, my compulsive "friends list checking" continues unabated. here we go, in no particular order of importance: * romantic life: Kitho and I are pretty damned settled. as much as we can be, really. This past year in korea gave both of us a chance to really try out our long term relationship skills and i still think we're both very well matched. it will be difficult in the future, with kitho staying here and my return to the states. for right now, though, i'm very settled--a good thing. * professional life: when i look back on my year spent teaching, i think of the relationships i made--however briefly--with the students. My employer is ridiculous; i don't feel i need to go into great detail. I am sure that closing out my tenure at school i will no doubt cry and miss those little shits when i leave. * academic life: my plan, which i don't see why it won't work, is to take the LSAT at the end of september and be in law school next year. I haven't decided where i want to go, or even what region i want to pick in the US, but i do know it's going to take a lot of study on my part, beginning this August upon my return. definitely after having spent a year outside the US, i know i want to have some kind of international job. i finally feel like i'm in a place in my life where i can really do this for me, because i now know it's something worth doing, not from external pressures from other people. I think for me, i had to get out there and try a bunch of things i didn't like before i could go back to something i did. * recreational life: K and i are spending a week in thailand to close out our year in Asia together. we're staying in a bungalow in Koh Phangan. the plan is to pick up the last copy of harry potter the week before and spend seven days in a remote part of a decently non-touristy island. The ease of drug acquisition in thailand is legend in asian countries, so i'm definitely going to smoke my share of weed as well. Also, every full moon, on this island, they have a massive Full Moon Party that has 10,000 people each month. Apparently the house specialty for this event is the "shroom shake" which i am anxious to try. Some expats i know who have been there for this before said it's fun, but i imagine i'm not going to want to peak in the middle of a rowdy 10k person crowd. if anything, this week is going to be a good stretch of relaxation before hitting the real world hard. as my time in asia draws to a close, i am resisting the "reflections on the past year" type of entry, but i will say this: coming here, for all its positives and negatives, was probably the best decision of my life so far. I got experience living abroad, a great relationship with somebody i love, and nearly 10k in savings to boot. if anybody is thinking about putting their lives on hold for a year and taking a mental health vacation, teaching english abroad is definitely something i would recommend. i'm not really all that anxious to return to america, to be honest. there is just too much silly shit going on at home, when everybody outside the US seems to be focused on real life/death stuff. i have grown an intense dislike for the american media being over here. but, my time marches on, and closes out, and soon i will be once again on native soil. Tags: america, korea, thailand
Current Mood: awake
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
i was jonesing really bad for a real hamburger lately, so i bought some ground beef at costco last weekend. today, K and i fired up a recently acquired George Foreman grill and had ourselves a little backyard barbeque (i realize, carolina readers, that this is a misuse of the word bbq, as no smoking of pork was involved). nevertheless, it was truly transcendent. the only buns we could find were smaller than your normal bun, so i made a plate full of sliders (aka, crystal burgers, aka white castle burgers). i wish that the ground beef weren't so expensive, but it was VERY lean beef, so it was deelish. funny how silly little things like that make for very satisfying moments in life. additionally, it was onesillymonkey's bday celebration on saturday, and good times were had by all. my little room has become the hangout lounge, as it's the only one reliably stocked with, what i would consider to be, an adequately stocked bar (i've paid dearly for it, but i enjoy making libations entirely free of soju). plus, it scratches that itch to sling drinks that i've been feeling since i left dc. i've decided most likely i'm not renewing my contract once it's up in august. it's not anything against korea, or even my company, both of which i genuinely enjoy. I've actually come around to the idea of law school. jsw58 seems to be really taking to his law school quite well, and that's inspired me to get my act in gear as well. my tentative plan, at the moment, is to go on super money-saving mode for the rest of my contract, come back to the states in early August, live with my parents, and study study study for the LSAT. since i have been teaching the TOEFL courses at my school (standardized test for non-english speakers that scores them on their ability to participate and understand university level english--which i'm teaching to 6th grade koreans, natch ::groan::), i've really gotten my juices flowing at conquering the LSAT. standardized testing, as i've come to realize, is the same strategy, no matter how difficult the subject matter. you just learn how to break the test apart using techniques you learn from companies that show you how (through books, courses, etc), and then you drill the shit out of it for a month or two. once you go into the test, you know exactly what types of questions are on there, and how to answer them. easy peasy, lemon squeezy. having sat for the test during my senior year at chapel hill, i know not to underestimate the difficulty of the test, but a much more sober mind and some life seasoning since then will hopefully contribute to a higher score (i actually did reasonably well the first time, just not well enough to compensate for my abyssmal GPA). so, that's it, i guess. my thoughts at the moment. Tags: korea
Current Location: koreatown
Current Mood: awake
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
so, i decided i needed to write an update that's long overdue. this one is a visual update. we'll start with the personal. here's a pic of me before i shaved the beard (i rocked this shit north pole style, yall). ( <click here> )next is the living space. such as it is, here are some shots of my humble abode. i spent two days over my break rearranging and cleaning. i'm finally happy that my tiny little officetel (korean studio apt) has a little personality to it. ( click here )and last but not least, my favorite christmas present from one of my coworkers. They were all tired of me using old diet coke bottles as ashtrays, so they bought me a decorative ashtray. (note the Konglish spelling of "California") ( click here )that's it for the visual update. i can report that i am happy, healthy (working on it, anyway, new year's ressies and all), and overall the state of my union is strong. oh yeah, go dems! looks like a woman's place is RUNNING the house. hell yeah! Tags: korea
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Grateful Dead - Samson And Delilah
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
this was brought to my friendslist by onesillymonkey, so i feel obliged to fill it out as well. What did the year of 2006 entail for you? 1.) Where did you ring in 2006? Well, jsw58 was in DC visiting, and stayed at the supremely awesome Willard. he got the hookup from one of his friends and rang in the new year chillin in style. I did drugs with my best friends in many bathrooms across DC, went to a gay strip club, called sean, and we watched the sunrise over a blue ikea plate full of cut lines of cocaine. all in all, an auspicious start... 2.) What was your status by Valentine's Day? Single, and yet dating 2 or 3 people. I spent actual V day with sean, listening to his jazz concert at the Lincoln center in nyc. fucking amazing 3.) Were you in school (anytime this year)? I thought about applying a few times, and the thought of applying made me feel better, so i didn't actually apply. 4.) How did you earn your keep? Slingin drinks at Sine' until i moved to Seoul in august to teach the youngins. 5.) Did you ever have to go to the hospital? No, thank the lord. 6.) Did you ever encounter the police? Only when i thought somebody stole my car from the bob and edith's parking lot. (turns out, i was over the line of their parking lot and the bitch ass grocery store had it towed) 7.) Where did you go on vacation? Hmm, shelton and i started the year out with chadsteruw in seattle, hung out with swoop750 in lala. i went to NYC a few times, and went to Richmond once. um, any nc? not that i can remember. prolly more that i left out. 8.) What did you purchase that was over $500? An xbox360 that i just sent home to america, b/c i don't play the damned thing (impulse buy). 9.) Did you know anybody who got married? my friends are either a)all gay, or b)commit-o-phobic, so no. 10.) Did you know anybody who passed away? Only my innocence... 11.) Have you ran into anybody you graduated high school with? First of all, it's "Have you run" (sorry, jumped out at me), but i think jsw58 is the only person from HS i communicate with regularly. I missed my 10 year HS reunion while i was over here, so i prolly missed my chance to see a lot of people. 12.) Did you move anywhere? Seoul, South Korea 13.) What sporting events did you go to? I went to the ACC tournament in DC last march. 14.) What concerts did you go to? KELLY MUTHAFUCKIN CLARKSON. also, MA-MUTHAFUCKIN-DONNA! 15.) Are you registered to vote? Yes 16.) If so, did you do your patriotic duty on Nov. 7? No, and the fact that i didn't honest to god bothered me. i wish i'd gotten my absentee ballot. 17.) Where do you live now? Seoul, S. Korea 18.) Describe your birthday. Alone. Fukuoka, Japan. it was as depressing as it sounds. 19.) What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2006? get my heart broken 20.) What is one thing you regretted this year? not saving more money 21.) What's something you learned about yourself? I am capable of honest adult relationships. 22.) Any new additions to your family? None that i know of 23.) What did you do for spring break? I can't remember, lol. probably worked. 24.) What was your favorite month? January was pretty awesome...should've just skipped through the rest of it. 25.) What was your least favorite month? MAY. 26.) What from pop culture will you remember 2006 by? was brokeback mountain this year? 27.) How would you rate this year with a scale from 1 (shitty) to 10 (the shit)? I'd give it a 3. and that's generous. 28.)Where do you plan to spend NYE this year? alone, seoul, by choice. 29.) Any NY's resolutions? surround myself with good people, head my life in good directions, and take better care of myself physically and emotionally. to be honest with you, i don't feel like this was a very good wrap up at all. i feel like i have been two completely different people this year, and a mere 29 questions will never capture the soaring heights or crushing lows this year has seen. perhaps this year is a year best left unsaid, unrefered, un-celebrated, save for the fact that it's finally over. Current Location: Koreatown
Current Mood: retropective
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
during my round of xmas calls tonight, i was talking to martin, and, clearly saving the orlando update for last, informed me that O was "seeing somebody...a really nice guy...he's happy...good guy...ummm ::fade out::" knife.through.heart. i knew this would happen eventually, but i guess it's always tough when that last little piece of something finally gets squished underfoot. don't get me wrong, i'm happy enough in my current situation, it's just tough to hear, i guess. this year has been so...well, let's just say i'm happy to close it out soon. 2007 is bound to be better, as i've got the back half of my korea trip, plus there may be a chance i will be moving to paris at the end of the summer (stay tuned). yeah, so, i know i don't ever update this anymore, but on the off chance that anybody still reads this LJ, what's new with you guys? Tags: christmas, korea, o
Current Location: koreatown
Current Mood: blue
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
i was looking at my friend jen's myspace page tonight, and seeing some pics of her and mutual friends, i got really nostalgic tonight. i think it may be the first case of actual homesickness. actually, that's not quite right, b/c it's not the home part i miss. it's like friendsickness. i want everybody just to fly to some place in the middle--hawaii would be great, since jen already lives there, and it's, well, hawaii--and spend just some quality hangout time together. what's amazing is that the people i'm missing aren't my unc/dc/hill people, my *best friends*; i'm missing my sine/pentagon row crew. i really formed some intense connections with those people--however fleeting--that i really miss now that they're nearly severed. i miss martin the most, i think. of course i miss orlando. i go through fits and starts with that one--i'll go 2 weeks without thinking about him, then it'll be a whole week where i can't get him out of my mind or my dreams. i think that's the thing about trying to fall out of love, it takes a long ass time. i want to be so many things to so many people, i just don't know how. i want to be a better friend, a better lover, a better person, but all i really have succeeded at was becoming a halfway decent teacher. several teachers--honest to god ones with degrees and everything--have told me that i missed my calling. they told me that they noticed the kids responding to me in a way that a lot of teachers by trade never achieve. i guess it's in my blood, but i don't think i can live the life of a teacher. as superficial as it is, i need more resources--therefore opportunities afforded--than a teaching salary can provide. of course, i could be a teacher, then run for congress in 10 years. that might make a good public service entree, lol. anyway, to digress, yes, i am still very much alive, here, in korea, and enjoying my time very much. it is so very nice to be disconnected from the world, but sometimes, just sometimes, i wish i could reconnect for a moment or two. Tags: korea
Current Mood:  nostalgic
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Previous
optimistic
anxious
disappointed
